Home Sweet Home

Finally!! I got back to Chattanooga yesterday afternoon around 3 after a very long couple of days of traveling. I managed to stay awake until about 8pm last night and slept til 9 this morning, so no jet lag! It is so nice to be home, especially when the weather is sunny and warm, and friends are having cookouts (thanks Walker!). It was a very fun, very long month, and here are few things I have learned...

I was lucky enough to see some of the most beautiful places on earth - the Australian rainforest, Milford Sound, the mountains and lakes of New Zealand - but I have to say that middle and east Tennessee are still up there on the list of the earth's most beautiful (Sorry west TN. You're too flat)

A month of very little exercise coupled with lots of cocktails and fish n' chips will wreak havoc on your cardiovascular system.

Don't take ketchup for granted. They won't give you any in Australia or New Zealand, and if you ask for it they bring you "tomato sauce" which seems to be a squirt of ketchup mixed with a ton of water. When we had our 12 hour layover, we went to In N Out Burger, and I have never been more happy to see real ketchup in my life!

Make new friends in life, regardless of their age. As you know, I love BFF's Paul and Edna. I want to go visit them in San Diego. My other favorites were Buzz and Dorothy. Those two know how to have fun and enjoy life. Buzz is 77 and Dorothy is 73. He was a widower and she was a widow when they met at a funeral home (at a funeral for a friend - not one of their spouses). They got married 4 years ago and have a blast together. In Fiji, they would stay out late with Jake and me listening to the band, and they would be the first ones on the dance floor. They also have season tickets for Nebraska football and invited me to come to a game with them. I may have to take them up on that one.

Never take life for granted. If there is something you want to do whether it is take a vacation, find a new job, go back to school, take up a new hobby - whatever! Just go for it. In New Zealand, the person who bungee jumped after me was a 61 year old man who had terminal cancer. On our tour group there was a 41 year old woman who had an inoperable brain tumor, so she decided to go see the world. You never know what sort of curve ball life will throw at you, so live life to the fullest! I almost didn't go on this trip because I thought I needed to be at home looking for a job. After some thinking and some great advice from my self-appointed life guru Alvaro, I decided to take a couple of months to not worry about work and go have some fun. And I am so glad I did!

Be grateful for your blessings in life. I am so fortunate to have such a great and very generous dad who made this trip possible. He has taken me and my siblings on some awesome vacations. We are lucky kids, and we know it. I want to dedicate my blog to my dad, Michael E. Yes, I realize it is pretty cheap that he takes me on an amazing vacation on the other side of the world and I give him a free blog, but cut me some slack - I'm unemployed! Hopefully I will be able to return the favor someday by taking Dad back to Melbourne to see the Australian Open. So if anybody knows of a very high paying job with lots of vacation days, shoot me an email! Until the next adventure, peace out kids!

Tsunamis and sunburns

Our last night in Fiji we went to dinner with Paul and Edna and then tried to listen to the hotel band, but I lasted about 10 minutes. I think my body is slowing trying to switch me back to TN time, and being constantly on the go for 25 days was really wearing me down. So I went to bed at 10:30 and was out like a light until 7am. So at breakfast yesterday everybody is talking about the tsunami evacuation during the night. Ummmm... huh? Apparently there was a siren and an announcement telling everyone to get to the parking lot immediately. I didn't hear a thing. Dad and Jake were 2 doors down and also didn't hear a thing. Bill and Ida were in the room in between us and heard it, but opted to risk drowning in order to get some sleep. Paul and Edna took it seriously though. Edna woke up Paul, told him to grab his money and her ipod and went running to the parking lot. She has her priorities. Reason #356 that I love Paul and Edna.

So anyway, we didn't drown, but it was storming in the morning. So we just stayed at the unlimited mimosa breakfast until the sun came out. Then it was off to the pool! Since it was the last day and it would be most shameful to come home without a tan, I took it easy on the sunscreen and laid out all day. Our flight wasn't until 10pm, so I had no plans of getting out of the sun until it went down. When it did, I went back to the room to shower and pack. I thought I looked a little red, but not that bad. It wasn't until we all met up in the lobby to head to the airport that I looked in the mirror and realized I was so red I was actually purple. Fan-freakin'-tastic! It is always fun to get on a 10 hour flight with a bright shiny new sunburn!

So we got to the airport, got checked in, and said goodbye to our awesome Aussie Erica. We all went through security and thought we could go on to the gate like most normal airports. Not in Fiji! After we went through security we had to split off into 2 lines - one for men and one for women - so we could all get a thorough bag search and pat down. Seriously?? We just made it through security like 2 minutes ago. It took the boys a lot longer to get through with their friskings, so they were crying sexism. I told Paul they kept him for so long because when he was checking in he told the guy at the counter if he could get a window seat, that would be "the bomb." Edna looked horrified when he said it, and started into a long speech about how "the bomb" is a really cool slang expression and they should start using it in Fiji. Classic.

I guess it is better safe than sorry when it comes to security in airports, but in New Zealand I never once showed my passport, I got to take my bottled water through, never took off my shoes, and once didn't even go through any security at all. Jake said that Air New Zealand must have a really strict "no terrorist" policy. I guess that is working for them.

The flight wasn't nearly as bad as the one on the way to Sydney. It was about 5 hours shorter and since I was so tired (and loaded up on valium) I actually managed to sleep on and off for about 5 hours. Jake wasn't taking any chances, so he laid down in the floor at our feet and slept great for like 7 hours. Lucky weirdo. We landed at LAX at 1pm Cali time, and we don't fly out until midnight. Nothing like an 11 hour layover! So from here it is the red eye to Atlanta, a flight to Nashville, and then a 2 hour drive home to Chattanooga. God bless America!

Fiji!!

On Tuesday we took a 3 hour bus ride from Rotarua to Aukland. There are only 4 million people in New Zealand, and 1 million of those live in Aukland. I guess we didn’t find the party because we went to dinner, and Dad went to bed and Jake and I watched Pineapple Express (love it!). We pretty much just used Auklanad for its international airport to get to FIJI!! Woohoo! The plane ride was one of the bumpiest I have ever been on. So naturally, when the drink cart came around, Dad ordered a red wine. Just so you know, my dad needs to wear a poncho when he eats or drinks anything on the ground. So up in the air on a bumpy flight with him wearing a white sweatshirt and sitting next me in my off white fleece… let’s just say I was worried. But he was a champ! He waited until there was some smooth air and drank his wine in 2 gulps. It was a Fiji miracle! I was so proud it brought a tear to my eye. Of course, 2 minutes later he opened a packet clearly marked “sugar” thinking it was a wet napkin and sent sugar flying for about 3 rows. Still, it was better than being covered in shiraz.

We are staying at the Sofitel in Nadi, Fiji and it is amazing!!! If anybody is looking for a beach vacation and can stand a 14 hour flight from LAX, this place is so worth it! Yesterday we went out diving. I don’t know if I got off the dive boat in the middle of a school of razor blades or something, but I hadn’t gone down 15 feet before I had cuts all over my hands and arms. Not good, decent size cuts. Tiny little painful paper cuts. And then I got to soak in salt water for the next 45 minutes. Rockin’. I really have no idea how I got so cut up. I must have bumped into some coral or something, but I don’t remember it. Then again, we had unlimited mimosas at breakfast so anything is possible.

The dive was a wreck dive, and the dive master kept trying to get me to swim into the boat and come out on the other side. The visibility was really bad, and I could only see about a foot in front of me, so there was no way I was swimming inside a dark boat. I shook my head “no” at the dive master. He motioned for me 3 more times to swim through the boat and I just kept shaking my head “no.” Apparently he doesn’t know that is scuba speak for, “Hell no I’m not swimming through there you crazy Fiji SOB. But thanks for asking.” Dad kept thinking it was funny to throw stuff at me - like a giant sea sponge. I am the kind of diver who likes to look and not touch. I kept screaming underwater and wasting all my air. So after that, I skipped the second dive and opted to hang with BFFs Paul and Edna on the beach and drink beer. Dad said it was "the best dive ever" but I'm sure he was just saying that since I didn't go.

Last night there was a cava ceremony before dinner. Cava is some drink they have in Fiji that looks and tastes like mud, and it is supposed to have hallucinogenic effects. I was going to try it, but I'm looking for a job, and you never know when you might have to take a drug test. No telling what would show up in your system from that stuff. I wish I could find somebody to send me some this summer during Bonnaroo. Those dirty hippies would go crazy for that magical mud!

So the boys are off to play golf with all our pals from the tour, and I'm heading to breakfast to meet all the ladies for unlimited mimosas, laying at the pool, and the spa. I heart Fiji!

Spa Battle Royale

This morning we flew from Queenstown in the south island to Rotarua in the north island. There isn't a lot going on in Rotarua. It is known for its hot springs and being the home of the native people of New Zealand, the Maori. As soon as we landed, we got to go to a hot spring spa - supposedly the best one in the area!!! Dad wasn't too happy about it, since he agreed to it last night after a wine tasting, but I was pumped! So we pulled up to a spa called Hell's Gate. It looked like the entrance to a bar that would have been in the movie Roadhouse or something. A tad sketchy. So we went in and got our robes and they showed us to our massage rooms. You know how great the massage rooms are at the spas in America? All dark with a fluffy massage table, and candles and music? Yeah, not so much in New Zealand. It was a fluorescent lit room with thin plywood walls, and in the middle was a fold out massage table with towels on it. Score 1 Spa America.

But the massage itself was great. Much needed after lugging around a heavy backpack and a 50 pound suitcase for 3 weeks. And I didn't mind the way the room looked since my eyes were closed anyway. And being from a very large, very loud family, I could easily tune out all the stuff happening on the other side of the paper thin walls. Plus, after my massage I got to go hang out in the hot springs. And all of this was just $75 New Zealand, which is about $50 US. Not a bad deal if you ask me. Back home that package would be well over $100 plus tip. Being that my current job/ financial situation is less than ideal, I am sucker for a bargain. Score 1 Spa New Zealand.

So after the massage, I was excited about soaking in the hot springs. I got my bathing suit on and headed out. Before I got to the water, I noticed the smell. Oh hell no!! It was a hot sulphur spring! I got in it anyway, knowing I was going to have to wash my suit about 20 times to get the smell out. It felt really good though, and you got used to the smell. Still being interested in nothing but the massage and the overall cost, I declared victory to Spa New Zealand.

After the spa, we all met up in the hotel bar for happy hour before heading out to see a Maori cultural show. At the bar I ordered a beer and the bartender asked me if I had any ID. Say whaaat? I asked her, "How old do you have to be to drink in New Zealand?" She replied "18."Aaaahh yeeeaah, I am looking young today! I haven't been carded in the US in forever, and this was the first time on this trip I have been asked for ID. I was pumped!

So we headed out to the Maori cultural show, which was pretty much a second rate luau. But with less scenery, less sunny weather, and less booze at the bar. So it was kind of lame. The best part of the evening didn't come until I was in the line for the bathroom with a bunch of New Zealand girls who were probably in their early 20's. They liked my accent so they asked me where I was from. I told them, and they said "Oh that is great! Are you here on spring break?" Again, say whaaat? I haven't had a spring break in.... "Yes!! I am on spring break! I'm having a great time." Why not just go with it, you know? So then I started thinking, I haven't been mistaken for somebody that young since I WAS that young. I think that damn sulphur worked! It must be like a fountain of youth or something! I overturned the victory of Spa America and named Spa New Zealand the undefeated champion of the world!

Queenstown

We have been in Queenstown, New Zealand for a couple of days now. It is a really quaint little town, right on the lake with mountains everywhere. It is a very outdoorsy, and there are lots of hikers and backpackers in and out of town. Our first night here, we went to one of the local pubs for dinner. Our waitress was really nice, just talking away to us in her New Zealand accent. Then she asked where we were from, so we said Tennessee. She told us she was from Ohio and went to UT! How weird is that!? But even weirder, is that her New Zealand accent suddenly went away and she was as American as apple pie or Rickey Bobby. Maybe she thinks she will get better tips if she has a cool accent.

So yesterday we were free to do our own thing for a while. Then last night we took a boat to Walter Peak to have dinner and watch a sheep shearing show. We had a bottle of wine at dinner, and then Jake and I decided that watching sheep shearing would be way more fun with a cocktail. So we asked the shearer if we could take a roadie. After a brief education in what a roadie is, he was like, "Hell yeah you can!" I like the sheep shearer. His show was hilarious! He really needs to take his act on the road, but it would be pretty hard to do seeing as how he would have to travel with his sheep dog. And sheep. And farm. So yeah, that probably wouldn't work.

After the show we went inside to take our glasses back to the bar. We thought we had some time to wander around. I had been looking through my pictures and decided we didn't have enough action shots. So I decided that my new thing would be to jump in all my pictures (trust me - it seemed really funny after a few cocktails). So there are Jake and I trying like 20 times to get me jumping in front of the boat at the exact right time. In the midst of our awesome photography, we failed to notice that the boat was leaving us. Oops!! We ran over, and thankfully they were only a few feet away from the dock, so they backed up and got us. I told the boat guy, "Thank you! Don't tell my dad!" We looked up and Dad was standing on the top deck just shaking his head. We got the "Punctuality is a Virtue" speech for the millionth time. But the picture was still hilarious this morning, so it was worth it. I'm up in the air happy as can be, and the boat is taking off in the background. Trust me - it is a framer.

Today we took a 5 hour (yuck) bus ride to Milford Sound (beautiful!) for a 2 hour cruise. There were mile high mountains and waterfalls everywhere! I wasn't able to get great pictures though because of the Japanese. Now, no offense to my Japanese friends (wait - do I have any Japanese friends?? If I do, I apologize) but they will knock you to the ground, step on your face, and kick you in the teeth all in order to get 1 inch closer to something they want to take a picture of. When I was jumping off the bridge, Jake had 2 Japanese women literally jump on his back to get a picture. He almost went over the edge of the observation deck. So after sustaining a few war wounds and almost losing my camera over the edge of the boat, I decided to give up on the pictures and just enjoy the ride. Luckily, when Dad heard we could pay to take a puddle jumper plane back instead of sit on the bus for another 5 hours, he threw out that credit card faster than a Japanese person can go through a 2 gig camera card. Woo hoo! We were back in 40 minutes and got an amazing view of the Sound from up in the air. And I finally got some pictures without getting Kung Pow-ed in the face!

Riding on busses and jumping off bridges

Well, I got up this morning and got the paper to see my picture of the protestor published on page 2!! But my name wasn't published with it! Bastard reporter!! I did get an email from the paper that they noticed the omission and apologized. Not sure if my name will be in there tomorrow or not, but oh well. My awesome picture was in the paper in New Zealand!!

So we got on a bus today to make the trip from Christchurch down to Queenstown. It was a pretty uneventful trip. We stopped along the way to see some glacier lakes that were absolutely gorgeous. The water was an amazing color and they were surrounded by mountains. This country is so beautiful! My pictures really don't do it justice.

Once we got into Queenstown, our first stop was the Kawarau Bridge where bungee jumping was invented. We got to go out on the observation deck and watch a couple of jumpers. I asked Erica if I could maybe skip the boat ride tomorrow and come back to the bridge to jump. I wasn't 100% sure I really wanted to jump. I was just kind of thinking out loud. She said, "Let's go inside and see how long it would take. You can just go now!" Uuuuhhhh, say what?!? The people inside said I could be jumping in 10 minutes. The next thing you know, before I could say "suicide mission," I was handing over my AmEx card and signing away any rights to a lawsuit in the case of death or dismemberment. Dad was pissed and didn't want me to do it, but it was too late!

Literally 10 minutes later, I was bungee corded up and had my toes dangling over the edge of a 150 foot drop into the river. I looked over to the observation deck and saw all my peeps - Paul and Edna, Buzz and Dorothy, Bill and Ida. I couldn't let these people down. It had been a boring day, and they needed some excitement! The view from up there was amazing, but I couldn't look at any of it. I knew if I looked down I wouldn't be able to do it. So I looked straight ahead and asked the dude to push me. He said, "No can do" so I just dove headfirst without hesitating. I knew if I balked for one second it would not happen. I tried to scream on the way down, but my heart was in my throat as I saw rocks and river rushing toward me. Once the cord caught and I rebounded back up, I was finally able to scream - and enjoy the view! It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life!!

Once I got to the bottom, the raft picked me up and took me back to the dock. I got up to the top and the first thing Dad says to me is, "You didn't jump out far enough." Seriously Dad?!? I told him to go show me how it was done, but he politely declined. You got to jump for free if you were 65 and they didn't ask for ID. So he could have lied about his age and gone, but he was not even going to consider it. Also FYI for anyone who is making a trip to New Zealand - if you jump naked, you jump free! Here is the video...

My New Career - Journalism

We got up this morning and headed down to breakfast and got to hear everybody's stories of their home hosted dinners. Everyone seemed to really enjoy it, but BFF's Paul and Edna definitely had the best time. They decided to go in with "stories". So when their 85 year old host asked what they did for a living before they retired, Edna said she sold Amway and Paul said he was an interrogator for the government. Oh, how I love Paul and Edna. After breakfast we went for a bus tour of Christchurch. We went up to the top of cashmere mountain for an amazing view of the city. This place is absolutely beautiful!! Mountains, and farms, and ocean - it is really breathtaking! I can see why they filmed Lord of the Rings here - and why Dwight Schrute wants to travel here.

After our tour we were free for the day. So we found a little cafe to have lunch outside and then went "Punting on the Avon", or as I would call it, "Riding a Gondola in the River." I asked our punter whey they called it punting, but since he was just here on a 1 year visa from Argentina, he wasn't sure. He did tell us a great story about how he fell in before though.

From there we just wandered around. We saw the Arts Center and the History Museum. Then we decided to go into Christchurch Cathedral, which is a gorgeous church downtown. When we got in, there were people asking about doing the tower climb to the top to see the view. There was some confusion about it because, as the church guide was saying, there was a protestor who had locked himself on one of the balconies. There are 4 balconies up there, and they don't connect, so they decided to open the other 3 back up. The police had already been there, and the protestor wasn't coming down. They said there was nothing they could do until tomorrow afternoon. So we started the climb up a very, very long very, very spiraling staircase. When we finally got to the top, there were a couple of girls trying to get a glimpse of the protestor. But the door was locked and he had put up a piece of paper over the little glass part of the door so no one could see him. I decided to just talk to him...

So I said, "Hey. What are you doing out there" He said, "I'm having a good time!" I liked this. Why should a protest be unpleasant? So I said, "What are you protesting?" He replied, "The ACC." No idea. So I asked what the ACC is. My ignorance coupled with my obvious American accent caused him to ask if I was a tourist. So I said, "Yes, I'm from New York. I work for the New York Times. If you can let me have a picture of you I will send it to my editor and get you some press in the US." This peaked his interest, and he agreed to take off the paper for one quick photo. So he took off the paper and smiled really big, and I got my picture! Woo hoo!

When we got down the very very long staircase, Dad and Jake were telling the church guides that I had gotten a picture of the guy. They asked how, and I said I told him I worked for the New York Times. They were very impressed that I was a journalist for such a great paper. It wasn't until that point that I realized I went to the most famous church and New Zealand and flat out lied. Ummm.... oops?? I didn't bother to correct them and just went with it. Right about that time a reporter from the paper came in and the guides told him about my great photo. He asked to see it, so I showed it to him. Then he asked me how I got it, so I told him. Then he asked me to email it to him and he would put my name in the paper with the picture. SCORE!! I just hope he doesn't write the part about me working for the New York Times, because you can google that stuff, ya know??

When we got outside, we read the big banner the guy had hanging down. His website was www.screwedbyacc.co.nz (co not com). I only looked at it for a second, but it was funny. I like this dude

So anyway, I emailed the picture and the reporter emailed me back and said he would try to get the picture and name in the paper in the morning. I will post the link if it happens. If not, then with my crafty new skills, I'm going to be like BFF Paul and start a career in espionage

Peace out Australia, Hello New Zealand

Yesterday was our last day in Australia, so I got up and was productive. I had a phone interview (for a job in Chattanooga, not Syndey. Bummer) and went for a run on Darling Harbor. After that, while Dad ate his vegemite and honey, Jake and I went to the concierge desk to see if we could get tickets to see Harry Connick Jr that night at the Opera House. The concierge checked and told us it was sold out. Then he looked at me and asked if Harry Connick Jr. was famous. Weeeell, he is playing a show at the most famous Opera House in the world. And you just told me that it was sold out. So if I was a betting woman, I would say that he was some random dude they found playing in the subway last week.

So since the show was sold out, we had all day to bum around with no plans. We walked all over, and then walked across the harbor bridge for an amazing view of the city. From there it was off to the fish market for some sushi - it was awesome! After that, being the sun loving family that we are, we went back to Bondi beach. Dad and Jake went body surfing. The waves were huge and looked rough so I figured that if I tried to body surf I would lose my life at the very most, and my bathing suit top at the very least. Which wouldn't have really mattered since it is a "European style beach" so you can go topless. But I really didn't want to risk that sunburn. And I'm with my family. Gross. After the beach we had dinner at a Thai restaurant on the water and had the best Pad Thai noodles ever (sorry Thai Smile!).

This morning we had a 5am wake up call to go to the airport and head to Christchurch, New Zealand. We checked into a cute little boutique hotel and went next door to the Irish pub for an $8 pitcher of beer!!! Thank you New Zealand!

After we got settled we headed out for dinner, which was a little different. We all went to "home hosted dinners" meaning we split up into groups and somebody who lives here came and picked us up and took us to dinner at their house. Dad, Jake, and I went to Murray and Barbara McKenzie's house. They were very nice, and it was interesting to talk to them about living in New Zealand. But Barbara's accent got me tripped up a couple of times. I was asking her about what it is like to host all these random travelers in her home, and she was telling me about the last group that came in. She said everyone in that tour group were a bunch of retards (pronounced re-TARD - like Alan says it in The Hangover). I was horrified and thought I had to have heard her wrong. But she kept on, saying that most of the people who travel around on these long tours are retards. Thankfully Dad knew what she was saying and said that yes, he would imagine they are all RETIRED people or "retireds". Then a little later, she was telling us about how she and Murray did some traveling in Pennsylvania countryside. She really loved it except for all the skanks. Hmmmm.... She said she had always wondered what the fuss was about with skanks, and she actually wanted to see some skanks. More than see a skank, she really wanted to smell one. It wasn't until she talked about running over a dead skank that I realized she was saying skunk. I think I need to do some work on understanding a New Zealand accent

Sydney

Ok. so I am cheating on Melbourne with the new love in my life - Sydney! This place is absolutely beautiful. It is a city of 4 million with water everywhere and about 30 beaches to go play on. It is the city and the beach all mixed into one! We got here on Sunday afternoon and were supposed to do a city tour, but the streets downtown were shut down because of a St. Patrick's Day parade. Apparently the people of Sydney decided not to celebrate St. Paddy's on Wednesday because it was a work night. Call me crazy, but Sunday is a work night too, right? (And trust me, they partied into the night. Jake and I helped them shut down an Irish pub later in the night). But I appreciate the fact that they wanted to party. So we went on a tour of the beaches and residential areas until we could get downtown to the hotel. After we got all checked in, we went for dinner on a harbor cruise. We got to see the Harbor Bridge and the Opera House at sunset. It was amazing!!

This morning we got up and went to breakfast before heading out. Erica, our Aussie tour guide, was grossed out by Dad's new favorite breakfast - toast with vegemite and honey. She thought he was ruining the vegemite. I get that a vegemite/ honey combo is gross, but there is no way anything can make vegemite taste worse. Except maybe if it was mixed with liver or something. So we all got together and did a walk through the botanical gardens on the way to the Opera House. I was not a fan of the botanical gardens. It sounded like it was going to be so nice, but as soon as we got in there I knew I wasn't going to like it. There were birds everywhere. Birds are like kryptonite to me. I hate them. If I see one near me I either freeze up or run away. I realize this is an irrational fear, but I can't help it. To me they are just rodents with wings. But I sucked it up and went walking. Once we got into the middle of the gardens, things took a turn for the worse. There were literally hundreds of bats hanging from all the trees. Some were flying around, and they were all making the most horrendous screeching noise. It was like a horror movie! If there is anything worse than a bird it is a bat!! Everyone was talking about how great they were and taking pictures. I just hurried through and wondered if I was the only person in this tour group not on glue. These are BATS, people! They will get tangled in your hair and give you rabies!!

Once we got out of the gardens, thank God, we made it to the Opera House. It is a really amazing building. We went on a guided tour and got to see the performance hall where they always hold the finals of Australian Idol! Rockin'! After that there were some more tours scheduled, but we ducked out to head to the beach. Bondi beach is beautiful! It is a big white, sandy beach with rock cliffs on either side. Jake and I were supposed to take surf lessons, but when we got there the water was pretty cold. And the waves were pretty big. And it was really expensive. And I basically chickened out and Jake didn't want to go by himself. People were telling me stories about falling and scraping off half their face on the sand! Maybe I will work up the nerve tomorrow. But it was fun to watch all the surfers who actually knew what they were doing. It really was expensive though. Over $100 for an hour long lesson. Maybe I do need to learn and move here and get paid about $800 a day to surf. Sounds a lot better than the pharmaceutical gig!

Getting my AARP card

Retired people are awesome. More specifically, the retired people we are hanging with in Australia are awesome. Today we went to Yarra Valley, which is Australia's version of Napa Valley. On the way there, our tour guide Erica told us that she is a "one pot screamer" or as we would call it, a lightweight. She warned us that if she had more than a couple of glasses of wine she would be drunk. She asked for somebody to watch out for her and make sure she didn't drink too much, and "preferably not the Sheltons." Hmmm..... I see our reputation proceeds us. We started with lunch and wine at Furgeson Vineyard. You could tell from the start that Buzz and Dorothy from Nebraska came to party. We had a few bottles of red and a few of white, and then we got to go to the tasting. Those retirees meant business!! There was a group ahead of us, and Buzz told Erica to tell them that they had been there too long and they need to get the hell out of the way. We both laughed, and then we realized he was serious. My respect for Buzz just went up tenfold.

During the tasting, David from Texas put his glass down on the bar with a little too much gusto, and the bottom broke off. Dad told him that has happened to him several times lately. He just sets his glass down gently on the table and it breaks. Apparently Jake has been with him when this happened because I looked at him and he was just shaking his head. Dad doesn't do anything gently. The other day he gave me a high five and squeezed my hand so hard he bent my ring and bruised my finger. Sure you set the glass down gently, Pops. Sure you did.

After we left Furgeson, we hopped back on the bus to head to Moet Chandon. Buzz was buzzed and used this portion of the tour to get on the microphone and do his stand up routine. It killed, by the way. The Chandon vineyard was absolutely beautiful! I want to live there and drink sparkling wine and stomp on grapes all day everyday. We got to taste a sparkling shiraz, which was really good. From there it was on to a winery tour. Buzz was cracking jokes during the whole tour. Every time the tour guide made mention of fermentation or alcohol, he would just say "YESSSSS!" I heart Buzz. After the tour, we got to go to the tasting bar. The group was hitting it hard again, and I was talking to good ole' Buzz when David dropped his camera. Buzz looked down at it, and it was like slow motion. I watched his tasting glass do about 4 flips and then hit the ground. It shattered into a million pieces all over the floor. The girl who worked there came out and just looked at us. She looked kind of mad and I thought we might get in trouble, so I told her that somebody ran through, threw their glass, and then ran right out the door. She actually looked like she believed me until Buzz started laughing and blew our cover. So that ended the tasting and we all got back on the bus to come back downtown.

Jake and I tried to make it out after dinner tonight, but we went out late last night to see a band. And after our day with the retirees, I think they are rubbing off on us. Gotta head to bed early. Tomorrow we are off to Sydney!

My Happy Place

I am in love with Melbourne!! It is amazing. It has absolutely everything I would want in a city. There are tons of parks with running and biking trails, a river with a great riverwalk, an ocean with white sandy beaches, tons of great restaurants, museums, and theaters, and best of all TONS of sports! There is an arena or stadium for everything - Aussie football (this is the most popular - kind of like rugby), soccer, cricket, tennis, swimming, and even a Formula 1 racetrack.

We started the day on a city tour and got to stop at the Queen Victoria Market. It was a huge open air market with tons of food and wine, and also lots of merchandise. I scored a new pair of sunglasses, and then Dad and I went to the wine tasting booth. At 8:30am. Again, it is vacation. They have this wine called ReWine where you can buy a bottle at the market for around $15 and then when you finish, you bring it back and they fill it up right out of the wine barrel for $4! I guess it is kind of like the Aussie version of our 2 buck chuck - but it tastes better! We figured, hey - we are going to be here for 2 whole days. Better get a couple of bottles. Then Jakes comes up rocking a Predators jersey. I was confused because he wasn't wearing it when we left the hotel, and who brings an NHL hockey jersey to Australia anyway?? But he said he found a booth with athletic jerseys and bought that one for $29! It is the same jersey that goes for about $129 back in Nashville. Thank you Aussies (and probably the people in China who made it)! If I had been thinking I would have bought the other two and put them on ebay. I'm unemployed, remember? I need the cash!

From there we walked the riverwalk and found yet another wine tasting - I love this city - and had lunch at a cafe outside. After that we went to Rod Lover Arena where they play the Australian open. We found an open door and just kind of wandered in. We tried to find an unlocked door to get into the area where the tennis court is. Dad wasn't a fan of breaking and entering, but Jake and I come from the school of "It is better to ask forgiveness than permission." We are dumb Americans, right mate? So we managed to find an open door and get in and snap a few pics before Dad yelled at us and we had to leave. The court wasn't set up though. They have a lot of concerts there, so it looked like that is what they were getting ready for. There were big posters outside of all the artists who are coming there to play. John Mayer will be here in May. I wish he was here now. Not because I want to see his show, but because he is on my list of Top 5 People I Want to Punch in the Face.

The city is really beautiful and easy to get around. There is a tram that is FREE that goes in a circle around all of downtown. We walked everywhere today and it was super manageable. I really would move here in a heartbeat. So if anybody is reading this and knows of a really fun job in Melbourne, just let me know. Preferably one that pays really well so I can live downtown and has flexible hours so I can go for runs and have long lunches on the riverwalk. Oh and a large signing bonus so that I can buy enough doggie tranquilizers to knock out Hogan for the 15 hour flight!

The Outback

So I consider myself to be relatively outdoorsy. I like to hike and camp and have cocktails on patios, but the Outback just wasn't my cup of tea. We left Cairns on Monday and flew to Alice Springs. Here is the general rundown. There are lots of rocks and dirt. There are flies the size of small birds that want to eat your eyeballs. You have to wear a lunch lady hairnet over your whole face to keep them off. For real. We took a tour out into the dirt field and learned about the Aborigines. We learned how to throw a boomerang and Dad ate some kangaroo tail. We looked at more dirt. And rocks. And flies. That is about all I can really say about Alice Springs and the Outback. I'm glad we got to see it since it is famous enough to have a chain restaurant named after it, but I don't think it will be my favorite part of the trip.

On Wednesday got up at 4am to take a hot air balloon ride over the dirt and rocks. The balloon ride was pretty cool and other than dirt and rocks we actually got to see some kangaroo out hopping around. After that we got on a bus for a 6 hour ride to Ayers Rock. The rock is really beautiful, and I wish we had time to actually climb it. We got to go watch the sunset and see the rock change colors- and they gave us free champagne which is a plus! After sunset we went back to the hotel. They had a cool open air bar and a band for St. Patrick's Day. And even better - green beer for $5!! That is the cheapest yet! Dad got to introduce Australia to his already USA famous dance moves, so that was highly entertaining. The biggest party animals of the evening were the Japanese people. Man, do they love some St. Paddy's Day!!

Today we got up and did another tour at the rock, and then flew to Melbourne where we will be for the next 3 days. I am very glad to be back in the city where there is shopping, internet, and cable TV so we can try to catch some March Madness highlights. Speaking of cable TV, I had a funny realization the other day. In Cairns when the group all went to get the early bird special for dinner, we opted out to go to the gym. Then when we landed in Alice Springs, everyone was talking about how they hate packing up all their clean clothes with their dirty clothes. We told them it wasn't a problem for us because we did laundry at the hotel after we worked out. When we got to the hotel in Alice Springs, everyone made sure every square inch of skin was covered and they sat in the shade. We greased up and laid in the sun. So I started thinking about all these things we do that no one else on the tour does. Gym. Laundry. Tan. Why does that sound familiar?? Gym. Laundry. Tan... Gym. Tan. Laundry. OMG! We are the Jersey Shore cast of our tour group. Fist pump!!!

Vegemite and Hippies

After a good nights sleep we got up this morning for our rainforest adventure. We met down in the hotel restaurant for breakfast around 7am. I was making toast when I saw it. Right there with all the jelly - a little container of vegemite. I knew it was going to be disgusting, but I also knew I had to try it. So I take it back over to the table, and Dad has no idea what it is. I asked him if he had ever heard the song "Land Down Under" where they sing about the vegemite sandwich. That seemed to ring a bell. So I let Dad try a little fist. The face he made was hilarious, it was so bad. I still felt like I needed to try though, so I took a bite. Holy hell!! It tasted like salty garbage. I had to chug my coffee to make the taste go away and never ever come back. So after I down my entire cup of coffee, I look up to see Dad putting more vegemite on his toast and eating it. Every time he took a bite, he made the same face and said how horrible it was, but he wouldn't stop eating it!! Then he decides he wants to introduce this foul Aussie spread to the rest of the group. Next thing you know, Dad has transformed into Men At Work and is singing away about vegemite sandwiches. He did manage to trick poor BFF Edna into a bite, and I thought she was going to kill him. Everyone who tried it determined it was pretty much the worst stuff ever, but Dad kept eating it. He said it was better if you mixed it with peanut butter. Why anyone would ruin peanut butter like that is beyond me, but he was digging the combo

So after breakfast, we loaded up on the bus to go to the Cairns Scenic Railway. We all got on an old train that took us up a beautiful mountain with rainforest and waterfalls everywhere! At the top of the mountain is Kuranda Village. It is a bunch of markets, hikes, and animal exhibits. Erica, our tour leader, told us it was a hippie village. As soon as we got to the top, we stopped at a pub for a beer. What? It was 10:30am. Kind of a late start if you ask me. I mean, we ARE on vacation. So Dad asks the bartender where all the hippies are. I figured we would see them once we walked a little farther into the village, but she actually said that the hard core hippies live in tents in the jungle and only come out 1 or 2 times a year for a reggae festival. It reminded me of Bonnaroo. Home sweet home Manchester. Word. So we paid for our beers - the cheapest ones yet at a measly $6 each. SCORE - and went exploring.

So we were wandering in and out of markets, just looking around when I saw it. The Australian version of Molly Beth Shaffer. A lady pushing a stroller with a baby kangaroo inside!!! I went to pet it and asked her how she ended up with a pet baby kangaroo. She said that kangaroo get hit by cars a lot, so every time she sees one on the side of the road, she looks in its pocket to see if there is a baby inside. Apparently a baby can live for up to a week in the dead mother's pouch. She made me promise if I saw a dead kangaroo I would check its pouch for a baby. Um, ok scary lady. I live in Chattanooga so I only see kangaroos every other week or so, but I promise.

From there we went to see the feed the kangaroo who weren't as fortunate to get pushed in a carriage all day. They were really cute, but kind of lazy. I guess when you get fed all day you don't have much motivation to hop around. Then it was on to the koala bears. They were cute, but I have always heard that they are mean little bastards. So when the lady at the exhibit asked if we wanted to hold one and get a picture made for just $15, I relayed to her what I knew about koalas. That they are mean little bastards. She said they only attack people if they are provoked. Ok lady, so picking up a sleeping koala and bouncing it around while everybody is yelling LOOK OVER HERE isn't provoking? Riiight. Anyway, she didn't like me after that so I guess I didn't do much to help foreigners perceptions of Americans. My bad!

After the animal park, we went for a hike in the jungle. It was really pretty and even though we got lost for about 30 minutes (my family is directionally challenged) we got in a decent hike. So then it was back down to the pub for lunch. We sit down to order, and my dad asks for a... wait for it.... freaking vegemite sandwich!!! What the deuce?!? Thankfully, it was an Irish pub so no vegemite. I think he will be putting it on his regular grocery list when we get home. As long as he can mix it with peanut butter

Diving

So on Saturday the 13th we went out to scuba dive at the Great Barrier Reef. We went on a big boat with our whole group plus lots of others. They told us it would be about a 90 minute boat ride to get to the reef. Once we got there people could snorkel, take a helicopter tour, sea walk, dive, whatever! Everybody was looking forward to it. So we met with Erica, our tour guide, in the lobby this morning. She told everyone that it had stormed last night, so the water could be pretty rough. She told us that she had never been seasick a day in her life, but she was going to take dramamine because she was worried about it.

So Dad, ever prepared with pharmaceuticals, gave Jake, our BFFs Paul and Edna, and myself dramamine patches. I have never in my life been seasick. Ever. But I figured better safe than sorry. So we get to the boat, go downstairs, fill out our dive paperwork, and hang out for the ride to the reef. About 20 minutes in I start to get woozy. I had to take deep breaths and look out the window at the horizon. Then I start hearing it. People throwing up left and right. The crew of the boat was just walking around with barf bags and rubber gloves. Somebody threw up, they collected the barf bag and gave you a new one. I felt terrible, but I really thought I would make it. Of course, Dad and Jake think this is the most hilarious thing they have ever seen, so they are making fun of me and taking pictures of me clutching an open barf bag. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE around us was puking. Then all of I sudden, during my deep breathing technique, I hear puking right beside me. Oh yeah, Dad was the first to go. So I started laughing and then I started puking. I have never in my life laughed while puking, so this was a first. Not 2 minutes after that, it was Jake's turn. It was literally one of the funniest scenes I have ever witnessed. People were puking everywhere!! All I kept thinking about was that scene in the Goonies where Chunk is telling the story of how he faked puked in the movie theater and it made everyone puke for real. It was so gross and so funny! Jake said he had been trying not to throw up and he kept thinking about the scene in Weird Science where Bill Paxton talks about serving a "greasy pork sandwich in a dirty ashtray." We decided to name our excursion our trip to the Great Barrier RALPH! Or the Great BARFier Reef. Out of 120 people on the boat, about 100 lost it. Good times I tell you. Nothing bonds a group of people like throwing up in unison

So, after the great vomit incident, we got to the inside of the reef where there were no more waves!! We ended up being the only 3 certified divers on the boat, so we got to choose our dives. The visibility wasn't the greatest because of the storms that had passed through, but it was still beautiful! The colors of the coral were amazing, and we got to see tons of fish and a sea turtle! No sharks, thank goodness. But our dive master did talk us into doing a shark dive when we get to Fiji.

After we got back from the boat we went to dinner at an authentic Australian restaurant. Dad and Jake were ambitious and ordered the Aussie Sampler which had kangaroo, crocodile, and emu. I ordered the tuna. I love tuna and I was hungry! But I did taste their food and I have to say - kangaroo is pretty tasty.

So now it is off to bed. I still feel like I am on a boat, but hopefully there will not be another puking incident. Funny as it was, I'm still kind of mad about it. Much like Jerry Seinfeld, I had a great throw up record going on. I hadn't thrown up in like 6 years! Now it is ruined and I have to start from scratch. But I guess it was worth it to see the Great Barfier Reef

Down Unda

After months of planning and waiting, we finally made it to Australia. Dad and Jake had booked their trip a while back to celebrate Dad turning 60. Jake was in between jobs so he had nothing but time. Then I got the big layoff news at the end of the year, so I signed up! I guess technically I'm the only one who is unemployed - Jake starts his new job the day after we get back (good luck with that jet lag, bud) - and Dad is now officially retired, but I think it is more fun to think of all 3 of us as unemployed. And it makes me feel better, so Adventures in Unemployment it is!!

So anyone who knows my dad knows that patience is not his strong suit. His favorite proverb is "Punctuality is a virtue." We have all told him 8 million times that he has it wrong, and it is "Patience is a virtue" but we can rarely finish the sentence before he is out the door. So Jake and I knew that 32 straight hours of travel together was going to be painful at best. It started off surprisingly well. We had a 6 hour layover in LA, but we found a bar with a hockey game on. Score! Hockey on tv = happy dad. We boarded the plane around 10pm Wednesday Cali time and geared up for the 15 hour flight. Then we sat on the plane for 2 hours before we took off because of some computer issues. That was the worst!! I can't sleep on planes - ever - so I had 3 glasses of wine and took a valium (don't judge me). I expected all that could knock out a horse, but I was still wide awake. I don't know what it is about me and airplanes because if I have 3 glasses of wine at home I'm passed out in about 3 seconds. And I took a valium on top of that!!! Thankfully I am short and relatively bendy (thanks Northshore Yoga) so I curled up in my seat and watched 5 movies. Oh- and I now think Inglorious Bastards should have won the Oscar.

So after 15 long, miserable hours we landed in Sidney at 10am Friday. So essentially, Thursday the 11th didn't exist for us. This fact greatly bothered my friend Ashley Doherty (shout out!) but we get to live April 3rd twice on the way home, so it's all good. From Sidney we caught a 3 hour flight to Cairns, where will we spend the next 3 nights. It is beautiful here!! Oceans and mountains and sun! We got to the hotel around 4pm, finally got to shower, and met up with our travel group for drinks and dinner. We are with a group called Go Ahead Tours. Our tour guide is a cool chick named Erica. There are 32 travelers in the group. Jake and I were expecting to be the youngest ones by a good 30 years or so since most employers wouldn't let people take a month off to go bounce around the world. But since a boss is something the both of us are currently lacking, no biggie for us! So we were right about being the youngest - with the exception for a family of 5 with school age kids. Nobody has asked them how they are swinging that one...

At dinner we met our new BFF's - Paul and Edna from San Diego. They rock! We finished dinner around 7 and everybody was ready to crash. I had only slept about 3 hours on the plane, so I should have been in pass out mode, but Jake and I were both ready to go out. We wanted to stay up as late as possible so we wouldn't be awake at 4 am (like Dad was). So we went to a local bar for some beers. We should have had liquor drinks instead since they are cheaper than beer. Seriously. Liquor is about $2 cheaper than beer here. It is the weirdest thing. Beers here cost around $8 or $9 and a vodka tonic will run you about $7. WTF Mate? We asked a local and were told that the government puts a HUGE "sin tax" on alcohol. I guess the Australian government thinks that beer is a bigger sin than jager bombs. So since we needed the Red Bull, we had some of those....

So we managed to make it out until almost 11pm and slept til 8 this morning! Let the vacation begin!!!